Well here I am. It's 11.40 pm, and I'm still up. Our evening was rather uneventful, that is after the kids went to bed. It's always calm after they're in bed.
I sound, to me, like all I ever do is gripe about my kids. And that they're bad all the time. They're not bad ALL the time. It just seems like that. When they ARE good, I try to remember that. That they're good now, and in 5 minutes they might be completely changed. So cherish this minute now.

I got in a discussion tonight about religion with some people on eBay boards. It went on and on and on. Pretty soon, it was J's bedtime, and he kissed me and went up. Yet, I'm still sitting here. In front of this screen, talking to someone on MSN who's a thousand miles away, yet cares more about my day than my local acquaintances do. Why is that? Why is it easier to find friends who you may never ever meet IRL, yet impossible to find and maintain a friendship here, IRL?? Because it's the fact that if you dont' want to talk, you simply don't turn your computer on. If you want to disconnect yourself from them, you just don't log on. No guilt. No questions. It's easy to disconnect from someone in cyber land, just as it's easy to connect with them in the first place.

It's like my favorite movie, "Same Time Next Year" with Alan Alda. These two people have an affair once a year for 30 + years. They are deeply in love with one another,and can stay that way, because they only see each other once every 365 days. So that ONE day, they can force themselves to be happy. Can force themselves to forget about the rest of the world, and just pretend.

It is a fascinating movie. To me at least. I recommend it as a study in human nature.

Today is over. Another one is coming soon. I always promise that tomorrow will be better than today. That tomorrow, I won't raise my voice. That tomorrow, I'll be sugar sweet mommy, instead of sour vinegar mommy.
My almost 4 year old makes me cry. She is so perceptive. She can read me, when I dont' want to be read. The other day, after a particularly loud yelling spree, I put her down to bed, and I apologized for yelling. I was crying. I said, "You know that mommy loves you, L. Even when I yell, I still love you."
Her reply? "I know mommy. You just have to let it out sometimes. And that's when you yell. But I still love you."
*sniff*
OH My Word. That girl.


I love each of my children dearly. How can you love someone so fiercely, would jump between them and a bullet, and yet, they frustrate you so completely, you think of leaving them or sending them somewhere for a long time?

I will be so happy when preschool starts in the fall. My oldest 2 will go off, one on MWF, the other on T/TH. I will have one gone each day. It will be a pain getting up each morning, and taking them off, but I am SO looking forward to it. It will be good. I will have some mommy + me time with each of them, that we've never had before. My son has NEVER been with me alone. He's always had both sisters with him. Always. So it'll be nice to get to "meet" him, so to speak, for the first time. I think a lot of our discipline problems will get straightened out, when he can know he has mommy's heart as much as his sisters do.