Illusions, or Disillusions rather

It is so nice to say, only for the second time in my life, "I have friends". These friends and I got together last night for a 'Mommy's Night Out'. It was tons of fun. We sat around, talked, drank Chardonnay, ate desserts. Talked. It was nice to feel like part of the group. That is a new emotion to me. The feeling of belonging to a group of people. To be fairly certain that if something is happening to someone within the group, I'll be on the call list. And that I have a closer relationship with a couple of them than I do with the others is absolutely mind boggling to me. In all other groups I've ever been a part of in all my life, I feel like the last one in the loop. The last one to know everything. For the first time ever... I'm not the last one. It's a nice feeling.

Sort of.

See, I have this nagging feeling in the back of my stomach, that it's not right. That they don't really like me. That they don't really care what I have to say, and they are only putting up with me because they're too nice to say no. Have you ever left a party and felt like every single thing you said fell on deaf ears? That they nodded, smiled, and were somewhere in the distance in their minds while appearing to listen to you? That is the feeling that I have. That they are not listening. That they just nod, smile, and don't really pay attention. That although I am allowed to participate in the conversation, it's only because they're too nice to say "Shut up. NO one cares!" Why do I feel that way?
From Encarta:

dis·il·lu·sion [ dìssi lo'ozh'n]
transitive verb (past and past participle dis·il·lu·sioned, present participle dis·il·lu·sion·ing, 3rd person present singular dis·il·lu·sions)
Definitions:

show somebody mistaken belief: to cause somebody to realize that an ideal is false or a belief is mistaken ( often passive )
noun

That is precisely how I am feeling. Like I have been the object of someone's disillusionment. That there is a general consensus to put up with me, and that they are hoping, or would not be too upset, if I were to back off from participation.

What's this all about? Why feel this way? NOTHING has given me cause to feel this. Just my paranoia. Well, there is one thing. There is ONE woman in the group who I can tell does not like me. We are a group of 8 women, plus or minus one or two sometimes, and there is ONE who absolutely I am convinced does not like me. She is short with me. She has minimal answers to my most basic questions, or simply ignores me altogether. I think if it were not for this ONE woman, I would not feel this way about the group. I think I would, for once and for all, feel "IN". Why do I let one woman ruin the experience for me? Why do I let one personality that conflicts with my own ruin the experience as a whole?
See, and that's the thing about it. This woman and I are SO alike it's frightening. Her house, her children's behavior, her reactions to her children, her relationship with her husband, the way she feels about all of the above are so strikingly JUST LIKE mine, that that just makes me even more confused about it. Heck, we even resemble one another in looks! Why is it the one person in the group who I SHOULD have SO MUCH understanding with, comaraderie with, compassion towards and from, she's the ONLY one that I feel venom from?

I think I can figure that out though. You see, the way she talks to, or rather doesn't talk to me, with contempt has kept her from learning anything about me. It's kept her from hearing my experiences with my family, with my life, my hubby, so she does not know that we are so similar. The problem with that is that she never shuts up. Almost every single mom's group get together we have, she spends talking about herself, her kids, her husband, her mom, her inlaws, her outlaws, what a horrible week she had, why her life sucks. And then, when everyone else gets a chance to talk, it's like she can't wait to stear the conversation back to her and herself and her family and kids. That drives me insane. It makes me want to just say "Ok. Enough. You know the rest of us have lives too, right? And we wouldn't mind a chance to talk about them." But, the thing is, the others don't seem to mind the fact that she sort of hogs the conversation. And she doesn't do it all the time. Just some days. But those some days about drive me nuts.
Because, in all our similarities, I have to admit to myself, that, if given the chance I would do the same thing. Maybe. I'm not sure. I certainly have no problem talking about myself, and really that is a pet peeve of mine about me. That I can talk about myself and my kids at any turn. Can take any conversation and make it about me. So maybe that's where my annoyance lies? That if she's blabbing, I can' t be talking about me? But you know, if she liked me in the first place, I don't think I would have that big of an issue with it. She doesn't like me, so I don't like her back. Juvenile, yes, but oh well. :(
So what do I do with all of that? What do I do with this woman who for some reason known only to herself, has such dislike for me? What do I do with that? I can't worry about it. I can't let her attitude change me. I can't let her presence push me away from the group. So I'll go. And I'll be quiet when she's there. I'll just shut my trap, let her blab on and on and on and on. I won't speak to her directly. I won't try to make conversation with her. I know when I'm not liked. I don't have to force the issue. I'll just keep to myself around her, let her have whatever emotions she has for whatever reason she has, and shut my mouth. That is SO hard to do. I want to try to talk with her. I want to ask her and answer her and make peace. But it's just so difficult.
And no, it's not just me. I have paid attention. She does not have this response to anyone else in the group. Only toward me. SO what do I do with that? I go. I enjoy myself. I make as many close friends within the group that I can, and I let her steam about whatever she's steaming about. I don't force myself on her. Hopefully, she'll come to the realization that I am part of the group, the other girls like me, whether she does or not, and her obvious distaste for me is not harming me in the least. It is not making me withdraw. It is only her acting out, and only her making a fool of herself disliking me for no reason. Whatever the reason is, get over it.
Ok... see... I'm off my rant now. It's time to take my kids out and let them play until it's time to go get my oldest from preschool.