I've been working today. I've discovered something about myself. I am not so grouchy if I actually get WORK done around my house during the day. I think some of my crankiness is me being over stressed. Why am I over stressed? Because there's tons of things that need done around here. Why are there tons of things that need done? Because I haven't been doing them. I've been saying "I need to get that done" and then never do it. Well, I've had it. I made a list. It's about 20 items long, and I'm checkin them off. Not quickly, but they're getting checked off. I'm tired of being grouchy, and tired of having things piled up, so I'm working on them. I won't be so stressed if I don't have this un-written list in the back of my brain piling up. So now, it's written down, and being crossed off.
(FYI: so the fact that this is my second entry in one day is NOT indicative of me doing nothing today. Precisely the opposite. I have been working and working and working pretty much since my last entry. But, I've been thinking as I work, and decided to take a break and put all my thinking out through my fingertips. :) )
Ok... on to what I really sat down here to do. What have I been thinking about: THIS THOUGHT: I AM TIRED OF FEELING INFERIOR. There. I've put it out there. I've felt that way pretty much my whole life, and only today have I put my finger on what that feeling was. It's inferiority. I'm tired of it. I won't go into what I've felt inferior about growing up (mostly because I haven't thought that far :) ) But, I can tell you that as an adult, a mom, a wahm, and a wife, I can tell you what I've felt recently.
I'm tired of feeling too fat. I'm not too fat, realistically. I have a WAY skewed body image of myself. I know it.
I'm tired of feeling like my house isn't as clean as it should be. Well, I have kids. 3 of them. And they are not books. They are not statues. They are kids. And they live here. My house will not be toy-free for several decades to come, and I need to get used to it.
I'm tired of feeling inferior in my emotions toward myself. My emotions toward myself are what they are. Instead of feeling like "They're not right. I shouldn't have them." My feelings toward them should be "They're here. What can we do to change how I feel about myself?"
I'm tired of feeling inferior in my friendships. I'm tired of second guessing whether or not someone likes me. Juvenile or not, that's what I do. I have had way too many 'friends' over the years just up and disappear without a trace, without a parting wave, without an explanation. That's why I'm so paranoid about my current relationships. Because the back of my mind is saying, "Give it 3 months. You won't be friends by then." Well, why the hell won't we? What makes me think they're going to leave? Because of past results. In the past, the friendships have dwindled to nothing. And I'm so scared that's going to happen now. The past friendships have dwindled because at some point, I realized I was the only one working at the friendship. I was the only one calling. The only one talking. The only one making an effort to reach out to others. I've argued with myself many times over the years about this. Are all relationships like that? Are all friends as incommunicado as my former ones? Am I the oddball because I want to call and talk to someone? Or, are those people calling and talking to other people, just not me? Then we get back to the paranoia thing.
K. New topic.
This has been bouncing around in my head for a few days, and I've wanted to put it down, but just didn't for some reason. Well, I'm here now, so I might as well do it.
I am frightened for my children. For their futures. For their personalities. For their school years. I am frightened for them.
You see, I have realized that I am raising mini-mes. I am raising myself. And my husband. (Not raising my husband :) Raising Mini-Hims). That is not a good thing. Both of us were loners growing up. Both of us were invisible in school, outcasts to the general population. Both of us were painfully shy, withdrawn, and afraid to make friends.
Well, I've been thinking about our parents, and have come to the same realization. Our parents were the same way we were when we were growing up. KWIM? My mom was a 'bad girl' and my dad was an invisible kid, bounced from school to school. My dh's parents were both shy, withdrawn, un-popular kids too.
That scares the carp outta me.
I SO do NOT want my children to grow up to be me. I hated me. I hated the lack of friends, the feeling that if I never went back to school, no one would notice.
I want my kids to be the outgoing, friendly, popular with everyone kids that I was so jealous of. But how do we do that? I've noticed over the years, that if the parents were that way growing up, the kids will turn out the same way. If the parents were considered 'dorks' in high school, or jocks or popular or farmers, the kids will more than likely grow to be in the same 'crowd' their parents were in 20 years before.
How do I change that? How do I make it so that my kids are not me? I want my girls to grow to be outgoing, friendly, involved in cheer leading and track, do the 'girly' things I never got to do. Go on sleep overs and have all night multi-phone line chats. I want that for my girls. I want my son to grow to be a sports guy. Golf would be great... or football or baseball... or something. A team something. Anything but spend his teenage years in his room on his computer or listening to non-mainstream music like his dad did. I want him to be accepted by his peers, to like going to school, to have a crush on a girl he has a chance with.
I am willing to do anything to help my kids achieve what I never could. But I am afraid that will not happen. Because I am not willing to allow my kids to take part in so many things that are considered the 'norm' these days. It's happening already. I am SO SO SO morally opposed to Spongebob Squarepants, I can't stress it strongly enough. And yet, he's the main character that so many other parents are letting their four year olds get into. I am SOOOOO morally opposed to the "Bratz" dolls and anything remotely similar to belly baring 5 year olds, yet that's the "norm" these days.
And don't even get me started on All Devils' day.... that will be something I will have to argue with other parents and maybe my own children about for years to come. It is absolutely non-negotiable to me. I am unwavering in my beliefs.
And I think that will be my children's downfall in the social circle of life I think.
I feel like a tug of war. Is my children's popularity and mental health so important to me I will give up my absolutes? Today... absolutely not. Probably not tomorrow either.
Ok. My one more thing... all done now
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