So today is not a good day

So today in the land of knee highs was not a very good day at all. It started out, well, you could use the term horriffic. I woke up achy. And grouchy. And, well, took it out on my family members. Who so did not deserve it.

I was screechy and slamming doors. Most of my angst was taken out on the cabinets and the fridge door, the dishwasher and the milk jug. I couldn't handle my children's needs all at once. Mornings around here, for the first 20 minutes, are absolute mayhem. Baby needs changed, but son needs put on the potty because he can't climb up himself. If he needs a new pullup, well then, that's one more thing added to the list. My oldest invariably does not do what she knows she's supposed to do, which is get dressed and play until breakfast. This morning, she wanted to stand and argue with me about a sticker stuck on the fridge. Just on and on with little tiny things that I normally handle without much notice. It's just the morning routine. It's how it is and that's it. This morning was different for some reason.

I called mom to see if she could come help me deal with my manic phase today. She was busy, and I understood. I really did. I didn't like it, but I understood.

And that was when I lost it. I sat in my chair and cried. And cried and cried until my hubby came in to help me up and move on with my day. At which point I moved my tear fest to the kitchen.

For the first time in about 5 years my hubby held me while I wept uncontrollably and for no apparent reason for a few long long minutes.

This is a typical manic phase for me. It comes out of nowhere, lasts for a few rage filled hours, and then fades away.

Leaving nothing but embarassment, shame, and scared children behind in its wake.

So this is what prompted me to call around in search of a new family doctor today. I have the kids set up with a new Pediatrician here That makes me very sad. We LOVE our Dr in our old hometown. But, the kids are going to need drs appts every now and then, and I am not always in the mood or have the gas $$ to drive them an hour up and back. Because when we go, it's not up and back. When we go, it's a day long visit. Not that I mind the visit, but sometimes I'd just rather not. KWIM?

After finding a pediatrician off my insurance's PPO list, I found one for me. I have a new doctor. She doesn't even start in the clinic until the 17th of October. I have an appt with her on that very first day of her new job.

This problem is more than depression. It is more than an anger management issue. It is harmful and horrible and embarassing and there is nothing I can do to control it.

I once read that depression is hatred turned inward. I have never heard it described better. And it's like these manic phases are all that anger and hatred turned outward for one brief moment in time, for all the world to see. And then, the monster crawls back inside me, inside my head and my skin, and hides. And then I go through the lows, the depression stages, and seem to stay there for longer than the manic phases last.

I don't mean to sound like a raving lunatic. Because I'm not. Most days, I'm normal, sane, even tempered, easy to be around person. But these days that are not normal are bad. Very bad. And they come without warning. Without an appointment.

Damn. I feel like I'm blaming this all on this disorder. I don't mean to do that. I don't mean to make excuses for my behavior. But unless you have this happen to you, you can't understand the shear uncontrollability of it. You simply can't. And I can't explain it. And I can't stop it. And that scares me to death. When these phases happen, I am not me. I'm not. I am angry and loud and dare I say, (*but not too loud*) I have thoughts of ending it. There. I said it. Ihavethoughtsofendingmylife. But only when I'm in that phase. The depression phase doesn't bring me to that point. And certainly, in my normal, everyday, everymom existence, I don't have those thoughts. Not even a whisper. I have my husband. I have my children. I have my friendships, which are just blooming. I have my home business which I am more than ecstatic to begin. I have a life I love, a family I love, a man I love. But, at those moments of sheer panic and destruction, all of that flees from my mind. All of that disappears. And there is only anger.
I've found a website that clearly explains it:
http://www.dbsalliance.org/info/bipolar.html
Excerpted from that site:
Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior. It is not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person’s mood can alternate between the "poles" mania (highs) and depression (lows). This change in mood or "mood swing" can last for hours, days weeks or months.

...It usually begins in late adolescence (often appearing as depression during teen years) although it can start in early childhood or later in life. ...men tend to begin with a manic episode, women with a depressive episode...Bipolar disorder differs significantly from clinical depression, although the symptoms for the depressive phase of the illness are similar. Most people who have bipolar disorder talk about experiencing "highs" and "lows" – the highs are periods of mania, the lows periods of depression. These swings can be severe, ranging from extreme energy to deep despair. The severity of the mood swings and the way they disrupt normal life activities distinguish bipolar mood episodes from ordinary mood changes.....

Now, the site goes on to describe symptoms of the mania and the depressive phases. And after reading through, I am somewhat happy to find out that I have a minor case of this mood disorder. There are people that have it far worse than I do. But, I'm not those people. My family does not have to deal with those people, my family has to deal with me, and I have to deal with this problem.

Reading over this page, it seems so scatterbrained and un-organized. Which is not like me. My brain is racing today. Thankfully for my children, the last explosion was this morning. I am able to handle myself now. Lunch and nap time went off without a bang. This is a good thing. Now if only the rest of the afternoon can do the same, I'll be good to go. Tomorrow, James will be here to help me. But then, I doubt I'll need help. This thing comes and goes and doesn't come again for weeks or even months at a time.

Alright. Enough rambling. I'll probably re-read this tomorrow or Sunday, be so ashamed, and delete the whole thing.
Such is life.