I had such a fabulous weekend. I had such a life altering weekend. I had such a mind blowingly FULL OF GOD weekend, it is absolutely beyond words to me.
I'll start with last week. It was crazy as usual. Sunday I had a BYB party cancelled, and James and I went to Des Moines so that he could take a test for a job at our local PO. Well, while he was testing, I went and ran errands with my aunt who lives in Ankeny. (? I think ? ) Anyway, we ran errands and went to her childrens' school while James tested. When he was close to being done testing, I went to the hotel and waited for him. Afterwards, we went to a mall in DM and got some shopping done for Christmas. We were home around 6.30 Monday night. The rest of the week was a blur. I know I went grocery shopping on Wednesday to fill up our VERY empty cabinets. I know that L had to bring snacks for her class last week, so it was a nightly dig through the cabinets to scrounge something remotely healthy to take for the class to eat. I know I had mom's group on Thursday, which was a good meeting, I guess.
Then, on Friday, came the BIG DAY. I had to pick up L from preschool @ 11.30 and then I had to get home to finish packing and prepping to leave.
My ride came about 1.00, which was later than the noon time we had originally set. Well, her hubby did not make it easy for her to leave. So, we left 'round 1.00 and started driving north.
I have to tell you, I am in awe of our God. He is absolutely FABULOUS. He had his hand in this trip from the VERY beginning, and only after I was in the car for about 2 hours did I come to that conclusion.
I'll just say that there were about a hundred reasons why my ride could have cancelled going this weekend. She really really really felt that she was under spiritual attack this previous week. Every thing you can imagine came at her, trying to get her not to go. She made up her mind to go, and that's what she did. Well, it was the best thing that could have happened to both of us.
I got in the car with a sense of trepidation. This is the same woman who only a month or so ago, I was convinced couldn't stand me. I was convinced that she had it out for me, had no reason to like me, so she just didn't try.
Well, let me tell you, I sat down in her car on Friday, and we didn't stop talking for 3 days. 3 whole days of non stop, mommy, wife, woman conversation. Literally the socks (if I'd had them on) would've been blown off me. I was so shocked, pleasantly shocked, that she and I got along so well. Actually, I shouldn't have been shocked. I've thought for months that she and I had TONS in common, with just no right timing to sit down and figure that out.
I had no idea. Not clue one. We have more in common than I could have imagined. From the way we were brought up, to our rebellious teenage years, to the way we raise our children. Yes, we have LOTS of things that we are not the same in. We have LOTS of differences. But it was still an awesome time, IMO, in that car for 5 hours up, and 5 hours back.
Plus, we stayed in the hotel room just the two of us, and ended up staying up all night talking. I mean, it's 2.30 in the morning, and she goes, "We need to sleep, but I can't seem to shut up."
I positively beamed(in the dark). Of course, we were in separate beds, in our jammies, with the lights off, just talking about STUFF. But we couldn't seem to STOP talking. Finally, about 3.30 Sunday morning, my brain turned to mush. I absolutely could not PRY my eyes open any longer. My brain was like, 'if you won't shut up, I'm just going to shut down.' and that's the only thing I think that made us sleep.
We got about 10 hours combined over two nights. The first night, Friday, we went to bed about 3 and got up at 6. Then, Saturday, went to bed about 3.30 and slept til 10.30. Only because check out was at 11. If it were later, we would've been in bed til noon.
After checking out, we went to a strip mall and went shopping. Old Navy, Bed Bath + Beyond, Michaels... they were all VERY thrilled to see us. We filled the trunk up. We knew we had to quit shopping and go home because we couldn't fit anything else in the trunk. : )
OK... on to the good stuff. The conference.
Hearts at Home is an organization dedicated to the support of at home moms. Moms raising children, from newborns through high school. Even some grandmas were there.
There were about 2600 women there, from 18 to 65. There was a Friday night main session, a Saturday am main session, 4 'class' segments, and then an afternoon main session.
When you register for H@H, you choose 10 sessions, and eventually are assigned 4 for your day. Well, I was assigned a couple of sessions that weren't really my favorites, so when I found ones more suitable to me and my frame of mind, I signed up for them. I took classes called, "The Mother Load", "Conquering Depression One Day at a Time," "Moms who Scream", and "Radical Forgiveness."
Let me tell you, I was in the precise right classes for me. Although, out of all 20 or so classes offered, I doubt any one of them would have been bad.
The Mother Load was informational about how to balance kids, hubby, friends, family, your home, and still manage to have time for yourself. About not feeling guilty for doing something small for your self. I have to admit, I am really bad about that. I was feeling guilty for even going away for the weekend. It is not often that I do something "just because". It's also not often that I do something all on my own with no knee highs following me around. So anyway, that session was all about how to make your days not so psycho.
The next one was Conquering Depression. It was about ways to get through it, and about depending on the Lord to HEAL you from it. Medication helps your body with the physical imbalance happening in your brain. It does NOT help out with the root cause, the reason you are feeling depressed. There is often both a physical and an emotional reason for depression, and both need to be addressed. It was also about NOT being ashamed for saying, "I have depression." As she stated, if you had a broken leg or a cracked rib, would you be embarassed to go to the emergency room to get it mended? no. Not at all. Yet, with depression, people are so afraid to admit they suffer from it. Because it's not a physical pain, with physical symptoms, it is somehow played down in today's society. Well, it shouldn't be that way.
If I could 'Snap out of it." Don't you think I would? Do people honestly think that as a mom I like having to force myself to put my feet on the floor in the morning? Do people think that I think it's ok that I am so apathetic toward life in general? Well, there's a root cause for that. And I have yet to discover it within myself. With the Lord's guidance, that root cause will be found. I may or not need medication for the rest of my life. Who knows. I believe the Lord can heal me of this just like he heals scratches on my knee highs' elbows.
K. The next session was "Moms Who Scream" Well, the speaker started out by saying that she always thinks of moms kind of shuffling in, and hiding our faces when going to that session. But, she said, look around. We happened to be one of the 4 biggest sessions of the whole day. Over a thousand of us signed up for that session. The only one that was bigger was the "Chocolate side of Marriage" session, (which I didn't take, sorry, and have no idea what it was like. Next time, that will be on my top 3 list definitely). So anyway, this session was all about how we as moms, need to figure out the answer to " Do my kids make me angry, OR do they show that I am an angry person?" Well, the answer to that. I am an angry person. And it comes out in the way I treat my kids. She talked about reasons moms are angry. Reasons we let it go on our children, and the triggers for them. She also talked about remedies for anger, Positive changes we can put in place. She also talked about what the Bible says about it. VERY helpful. She helped me to realize that we as moms forget that our children are just that: children. We expect a 3 year old to act like an adult when they're so obviously not. They are children. "No" does not need to be the word of the day everyday. It is ok to let children act like children, ok to let them make mistakes and fumble and we are to be there to kiss the owies, not yell at them "Why'd you get an owie?"
The last session I took was Radical Forgiveness. This session literally broke me in half. I was just a ball of tears and questions and prayer afterwards. The session was about forgiveness, and asking ourselves if we've forgiven others and ourselves, or if we've just shoved it under the rug, and there's this big pile of junk under the rug that no one wants to talk about. Well, the main focus of her forgiveness session was sexual history. Our sexual pasts as women. POW! Smack me right in the kisser, thanks so much. Ouch. I have never had to think about it like I did on Saturday. I've just shoved my history under the rug. I thought I was over it. I thought I had forgiven myself and the others involved. Turns out, a great big NO. I haven't. I haven't forgiven them or me. Most of all me. I cannot forgive a boy for using me when I haven't forgiven myself for putting myself out there to be taken advantage of. Can we all say "ouch???" So anyway, I actually cornered the speaker afterwards. I said to her personally, 'You have brought to the surface things in my life that I thought were done, over, buried and finished with. Well, today, I feel like those things have been exhumed. I feel like all those thoughts emotions, feelings, anger, resentment, shame have been dug up, and spread out into the light again. I have found out I'm not done with them. What do I do now? What do I do with that? How do I start to actually, truly, once and for all heal? Where do I begin?"
Her answer? "I don't know. I don't know how to help you."
My reply. "Thanks for that... I know what to do. I know that the only way I will ever be healed from this garbage is to pray over it. To leave it up to Him, to trust Him that it will be healed."
Her answer, "Exactly. Pray. That's all I can tell you to do." She hugged me and bustled off to start the final group session of the day. Leaving me in a spiritual puddle on that arena floor. I am not out of that puddle yet. I have a history, I have to deal with it. I have to forgive boys who are men now, and first I have to forgive myself. The only way I know to do that is to pray.
She said something on Saturday that I won't soon forget.
"To Forgive is to set a prisoner free.
And then to realize that YOU were the prisoner all along."
Wow. Hmmmm.
Ok. So those are the sessions I took part in. And then, I went and bought some books on parenting, I bought "Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs" "She's Gonna Blow: REAL help for moms dealing with Anger" "How children raise parents" "A Woman after God's own heart" "Daily Devotions for Moms" And "J is for Jesus" (a great big board book for the kids for Christmas about the history of Candy Canes.) I also bought the kids a little picture Bible that goes through the whole Bible in cartoon format and 1 or 2 sentence pieces- just right for the attention span of a toddler.
I tell you though, one thing for sure. Today, even though I'm back and no one has changed but me, I feel different. I feel like I am better equipped to be a better mom. I feel like I can handle my children with calmness and dignity and love and not feel like I am going to blow at any moment. I feel like I can love my husband more, respect him like he needs, and that by doing this, I feel like I can do it freely without feeling like something is being taken from me by doing so.
I know, this warm fuzzy feeling, this afterglow, if you will, is only that, a brief, honeymoon period. But you know what? I can make it more than that. I can make it so that this feeling lasts. So that I remember what I've learned this weekend, and make the changes in my mood stick. Know how I can make this change permanent? With Prayer. By opening up my Bible and my devotion book. By making the Lord the first person I talk to in the morning and the last one at night. By making it a mental note and a personal commitment to do this on purpose.
Our lives do not have to be chaos. Our lives do not have to be stress full and crazy with unspent anger and pent up emotions. It is not necessary. It is stressful and damaging to live like that, and I'm tired of it. I want to be free. I want my children to be happy and live without fear of mom. I want my husband to look at me and smile and think that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, I DON'T want him to look at me and think, "If only we didn't have these kids, I'd be outta here."
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