Holy Guacamole

Holy Tomoly Batman!
2 months since I posted? Nah! Not possible. Life just can't pass that quickly. It's not physically possible. I must be in a time warp, right?

I recently posted what I wanted to say on a mom's forum I'm in.. it is radically hilarious and is a 98% accurate portrayal of Christmas at my husbands gp's house.


The Ham was great.
My dh is a skinhead.
Cousin James is gay.
The parakeet died.
I smoked a cigarette to deal with the whole mess.



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We had Christmas Eve at my dh's grandparent's house as usual. They live in a double wide trailor with a basement and insist on hosting Christmas eve there every year. 30 people including about 12 kids every year squashed into this tiny space. Every year they serve Chili and Clam Chowder for dinner, and this year added ham at my request.

The ham was great.

We're there for about 20 mins and Gma takes dh into a side room for a little 'chat'. Dh is 6'3", about 250 thanks to the Mountain Dew gut, and happens to shave his head because he is most comfortable that way. He's got the moustache/goatee combo thing going on, but shaves his head daily. Gma takes him into this room and says, "Your cousin James is coming to visit. He is bringing with him a friend. I wanted to let you know before he gets here that his friend, is, um, not white. He's mostly white, but his dad is half black. I just wanted to warn you: I don't want any shenanigans going on. Just keep your opinions to yourself."

Um. My husband is not racist. He's never even hinted at anything like that, in the ten years I've been married to him, to me or any of his family. Apparently his Gma thinks he's a skinhead because he shaves his head. She's the cutest little thing, about 4'10", round little frame with glasses and salt and pepper hair. She's been married to Gpa for over 25 years. But we guess she has pre-conceived notions about those young 'uns who shave their heads. So anyway... moving on.

James tells me that Gma has warned him that Cousin James is coming and bringing a friend. Well, Cousin James, I have to tell you, is the GParents' favorite. They raised him when his own parents couldn't. He's a world traveller. Been to college, worked for AmeriCorps, has a Passport with stamps from dozens of countries. He's the Celebrity and the Pet in Gma's eyes.

Cousin James comes in and introduces his guest, in front of 26 people, "This is my partner Christopher." Um. yeah. 26 people collectively inhaled in one big gulp of air. Cousin Celebrity James is gay. He's 30 and everyone kind of 'thought' we knew, but you know... it had never been announced. So Gma just flutters her hands and passes the bread rolls, going on as usual.

So Gma has this thing with her pets. She loves them as if they're her children. Her kids are all grown, her grandkids (most of us) live far away, so she has a doll collection that she treats as if they're real babies, and pets that she treats as if they're children. One of these was a parakeet named Chewy. Chewy has his own bedroom. His own gynormous cage, his own TV and living space. Chewy is one of the kids.

Well, 12 kids love to look at Chewy when they come to visit. A normally quiet house becomes noisy and a normally empty room becomes full with small children running in and out to see the bird every few minutes.

So my oldest child was off playing, and I went to find her. I find her in the bird's room, looking in the cage. The bird is laying on the bottom of the cage, eyes closed, feet straight up in the air. I shoo all 8 kids currently in the room out and find two of the relatives in the living room. "Um, guys?" I say.."Do birds usually sleep on their backs with their feet straight up in the air?"
"I'd have to say no." One of them replies. "Well then, please come take a look at Chewy. I think we've got a problem."

On looking closer, it is confirmed, yes, the bird is dead. Now, who's going to tell Gma? I nominate Cousin James. He's the favorite, she'll take it best from him. So we go fetch Cousin James to get Gma... he does, she sees... she starts poking him with one of his toys, then rubs his little feathers in the cage. Then she starts to quietly cry. Leaning on Cousin James she says, "I could take you and Christopher. But now, my bird died. What am I going to do?"

She goes downstairs to tell Gpa, "Charlie, you oughtta be happy. The bird's dead. You never liked him anyway."
Gpa "Now why would I be happy about that? You loved that bird."
Gma "I don' t know... but I'm sure you're happy about it."

The house is hot, the kids are running around like crazy, we've been there for 4 hours, we've eaten, there's been lots of drama, and we've not opened gifts yet. I went outside and bummed a smoke from my BIL. I quit over a year ago, but I'd forgotten to bring my xanax, and was on the verge of a humongous panic attack.

As people are beginning to leave, Gma is passing out their presents as they walk out the door. Phew!

All we needed was a raccoon to hop out of the Christmas tree to match National Lampoon's in craziness.
~~~~~~~~~

Yeah. That was Christmas at the Grandparents' this year.

Life is just crazy. The kids have started back after their "winter" break. I was not ready for them to come home for 10 days, but Wednesday morning I was muttering about where all the time had gone.

There is roughly 8 inches of snow outside right now. But, it's too cold for the kids to play outside. So they're stuck fighting and arguing their way through the after noon until dinner and eventually bedtime. I went to MOPS today and listened as this fellow mom detailed her planned day, hour by hour. Such amazing talent to be able to keep yourself and your kids on such a specific schedule. She had such fantastic ideas, I'm thinking there may be some great big scheduling changes happening in the S household soon.

I went to the caucus last night. Interesting. That's about all I have to say about it. The person I voted for won the nomination if not my ward. I think that being involved, placing my chosen name on that slip of paper is about as involved as an average Jane can be in politics. Past the caucus phase, it is too complicated and not really based on an individual's vote for the average person to follow. However, at the caucuses, your ONE vote really does matter. They are tallied one by one and forwarded on to the state. It is a great feeling. Even if my part only lasted an hour, I still felt part of the process for that one hour.

Toodles until the next time I remember I have a blog : )